If I Cry Poetry Series

I finally did it! I posted my first video. This poem means so much to me and I would appreciate it if you shared it. Thank You!

If I Cry

By Anila Hoxha

I smile all the time
when I tell you I had cancer,
It was painful but I am fine.
For life’s many questions, I have answers.

I have a big smile on my face
when I tell you I survived.
People cry but that is not my case,
I only have time to stay alive.

I talk calmly with no emotions
when I talk about my dead friends.
With you, I use caution,
I avoid the details.

Can’t you see that I am fine?
There is no pain that lasts,
For the wounds to heal,
I gave it time.
Just don’t see behind my mask.

People cry but that is not my case,
Behind the closed doors of my room,
I hide my red crying face,
Hoping the pain will go away soon.

Six feet buried are my friends-
All of them, no one’s left.
They are gifts that life sent,
All those graves that I’ve met.

I cry in silence, I cry in tears,
Cry in blood, and cry in fears,
And I cry and cry all the time,
As if sadness was a crime.

You ask me, you want to know the truth,
Why can’t I share my experience?
Are you sure the truth, you choose,
Expect this story to be the eeriest.

Death wrapped its arms around me,
Suffocating me slowly in the dark,
You can’t hear, you can’t see,
in my arm, I have its mark

The heart monitor said I was alive,
yet death whispered to my ear,
Words of terror, words of fear:
“You’ll die! You’ll die,” it said to me.

I could feel it on my arm,
I could feel its claws on me,
I saw death in the x-ray,
Big white marks where there should not be.

And you show me photos of bald children,
Bald rose-cheeked children smiling.
You don’t know that this disease is ugly,
This disease is soul-crushing.

There is blood, medicine, and tears
Sweat, vomit, and deep-rotted fears,
Hair falling on my bed.
I woke up every day
with some hair in my hand.

And the lady next to me,
No one visited her in days.
She was not a rose-cheeked child,
She said she wanted to be dead anyway.

The girl in the next room,
I could hear her cries every time,
“I want my life back,” she screamed,
in the middle of the anguished night,
In her arm, she felt pain,
But there was no arm left for her to feel.

And I couldn’t make two steps,
without people rushing to me.
Two steps, I could not make,
I couldn’t even stand on my own feet.

There was pain inside of me,
Pain that woke me up in the middle of the night,
Pain that you cannot see
made my screams transform into cries.

I’ll admit it, it hurts like hell,
So push the button, call the nurse,
It’s been like this since I fell,
Put an end to my curse.

My feet haven’t touched the ground in days,
Limp limbs and metal pieces,
Did someone set my bones ablaze?
In death, my soul gladly eases.

And I smile despite being terrified,
You don’t know that I wake up every night,
to make sure that I’m still breathing.
I smile at my fate,
I tell you that it takes more than that
to kill me.

But I’m scared, I’m terrified,
I can’t cry in front of you,
It would a miserable sight,
And I know what you would do.

If I cry, you’ll pity me,
So I’ll go through hell and back,
I hide my pain so you can’t see,
You can’t know the strength I lack.

It’s not your fault at all,
And I hope you understand
that I don’t want in the darkness to fall,
Not this way, not again.


5 thoughts on “If I Cry Poetry Series

  1. OK, what “if I cry” too now?
    I love it Ani! I can’t even begin to imagine what it was (and still is, in a way) like. But then again, everytime you write about it, I can – if to a small extent.

    “And the lady next to me,
    No one visited her in days.
    She was not a rose-cheeked child,
    She said she wanted to be dead anyway.”
    :(:(:( So well put.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your support honey. I appreciate a lot. Especially when it comes to this poem, because it truly is what I’ve felt, and I’ve never been this honest with my writing.


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